she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
