you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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