we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Damn victory sex feels great
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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