I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
