High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
