We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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