i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
