Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
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I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
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If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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