You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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