i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
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Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm