you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
