Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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