I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
