peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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