If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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