i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
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if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
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It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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