yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
