I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
