A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
