he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
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