she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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