she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Randomize
