i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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