dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
