if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
