i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
