I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
