look no pants
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
