I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
