the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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