Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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