i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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