Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
