i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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