Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
bring money and cleavage
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
