My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We are all done wearing pants today
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
