I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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