i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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