Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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