I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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