Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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