His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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