It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
