Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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