RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
