3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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