i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
