Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
