They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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