Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
