theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
