Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
