my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
