life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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