The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
MIDGETS
????
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
