I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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