I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize