She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
